The Universe Responds

 Well friends, 

Its been just over a week since I released my story for everyone to read. 

To be honest, after I posted I was completely exhausted... I couldn't even look at my phone for a couple days because I was feeling so overwhelmed with feelings I have never dealt with. 

These past 18 months have been so amazing. I'm seriously so blessed in my life, I have the most supportive family and friends. I have the most amazing, smart, beautiful daughter, and I have the most supportive husband anyone could ask for. 

However, these last 18 months have probably been the hardest I've experienced. 

I'm about to get even deeper with you all, if that's even possible! When I ended up sick and back in the hospital it was a really hard fact to come to terms with. I was a healthy 24 year old woman with a new born baby. Having no control of my body and not being able to even use the bathroom alone was so self defeating. But this was extra hard on me because I have a parent with a mental illness who has been in and out of the hospital for the last 16 years. At 10 years old, the oldest of 3, and my parents divorced, I was responsible for a lot more than a 10 year old should have been. You could say I became a mother at a very young age, and I hope all my younger brothers can look up to me as a good and positive role model. Somehow, at 10 years old, watching my mother struggle, made me stronger. Made me realize that I wanted so much more for my own life. 

My life flashed before my eyes, realizing I was stuck in that hospital bed 18 months ago made me feel like I was going to end up like her. I think that's what helped me fight so hard to heal and be the best mother I could be. 

 I hoped that releasing this story for you guys to read would help me deal with all the emotions.

 I honestly don't know if it has or not.  

Over the last few months while I've been processing all of these crazy feelings and emotions, a lot of crazy things have happened. The universe continually puts such amazing people in front of me, and makes me realize how blessed I really am. For those who don't know, I am a full time hairstylist and makeup artist, which leads me to meet lots of new people on a daily basis. At my salon, I have an online booking system where anyone can get online and book an appointment. I always get the most amazing clients this way, and once I get talking to them, its AMAZING how much we have in common. I wont tell their stories yet, because I'm hoping to do that in a bigger and better way that will be more impactful, and of course have their permission to do so. But, I do have to tell you about my last client that booked online with me. When my clients go online to book they can review our profiles, which basically tells them a little about us. Mine is 2 years old at this point, so probably isn't even that accurate anymore, but I still have these amazing clients choose me to do their hair. Anyway, this last client turned out to be a therapist that specializes in treating trauma patients. When she told me I literally got chills. How would she know that I needed her in my life just one short week after putting my story out into the world. I obviously wasn't going to talk too much about my story with her while she was there relaxing in my chair. But, I did want to share a few things she told me about that helped me clarify a few things: 

The part of the brain that stores your trauma has no logic. She explained that when you're triggered that trauma floods your body with emotions like you are right back in that place experiencing it again for the first time. The best example is a VET struggling with PTSD hearing a firework, or gunshot go off. She also explained that when your brain is not triggered you can talk about your trauma like what you ate for lunch the day before. That's when a light bulb went off and it all clicked. This made so much sense about how I was processing my trauma. I could tell you all day long about how it went and all the details and not feel a single emotion. But as soon as I was triggered, it all flooded back and I would shut down. I didn't want to talk, I just wanted to lay in bed and think about something else. Every day is a challenge we get to work through. 

Over the last 18 months I've had lots of questions: Do you want more kids? what are your plans for your family? Have you looked at other options? 

Don't get me wrong, I love your questions and am 100% open about my story and situation, but I can honestly say I don't know. Ivy is the absolute love of my life. I don't know how I could love another human as much as her. We have such a special bond that I'm not sure I need anything else in my life. But I am open, to whatever the universe tells me I need. If there is a child out there who needs a loving family to give them the absolute best life and most love we can than I am open, here, and listening. I know that whatever is supposed to happen, will. 

This post is pretty short and sweet, I thought I would just give you a little update on how life has been since, and how crazy it is that the universe really sends you exactly what you need when you need it. 

I hope this can help others cope with whatever trauma they may be dealing with, and I'm hoping to come out with more ways to help you all. 

Thank you for being here! 

xo- Lexi